


Neverland

by Jishwadun



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Angst, Feels, I'm Sorry, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Post-Break Up, This is not going to be happy, but they never get back together :/, do i suck at tags?, gay shit, it's all about angst, kinda happy ending, life sucks, male relationships, why do i like sad shit?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-30 16:21:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13955388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jishwadun/pseuds/Jishwadun
Summary: "The heart was made to be broken."— Oscar Wilde





	1. |one

**Author's Note:**

> hey lovelies! this is my second 2doc fanfic and i'm very excited to share it with you all. i never imagined myself writing again after so long but here i am. i really hope you will enjoy this work and have a nice day or night <3
> 
> the title is from holland, a k-pop artist i absolutely ADMIRE. he's the first openly gay artist in south korea!!111!!!!1!1!! please check him out, his first song is amazing.

To be at home, it's not a place, but a feeling.

 

It's the feeling when you embrace me,

 

It's the feeling of your hot breath on my skin,

 

Of your laugh mixed with mine,

 

Of your breathing in perfect synchrony, of our chests rising at the same time.

 

To be home, it's to be with you, no matter where I am.

 

_And perhaps that's why I've been feeling lost since you left._


	2. |two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the entirety of the story will be in stuart's pov :)

Oftentimes, writing is not enough to tone down the pain.

 

But I continue. I tell myself that by doing that, I will be able to write over the words that you tattooed in my psyche.

 

Your _I love you_ and your _you and me, it's forever_ ,

 

Your lies written in indelible ink,

 

Your sweet yet poisoned words that you engraved on my heart and that still hurt me when I pass my fingers above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i survived my finance exam and my driving class, o o f


	3. |three

If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you.

 

I would have held you a bit tighter, would have kissed you a bit longer and would have said sweet words a bit more often.

 

Or maybe a lot, to think of it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of stolen quote from friends that i remixed
> 
> i loved phoebe and mike :(


	4. |four

I really want to erase all the data that you wrote in my heart.

 

It makes me wonder where was stocked all my memories of you so that I could delete them.

 

Or do I only need to format my brain?

 

Can someone help me? I still haven't found the reset button on my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't wait for the weekend, ugh


	5. |five

You cost me a lot of tissues this month.


	6. |six

I think the hardest part in all of this was to see that you weren't hurt.

 

To know that I'm the only to cry in bed, eyes wide open staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. And also in the morning after these two small milliseconds when I'm not awake enough to feel the pain that soon strikes me like a whip.

 

The worst, it's to see that you're perfectly fine without me, that your laugh doesn't become rarer, that smiling doesn't require more effort than before.

 

It hurts to know that hearing my name doesn't cause you pain, as small as it is, when for me, I have knives that thrust in my abdomen every time I hear yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i just did an english test for my college application, i'm pretty convinced i'll pass! also to all my irish peeps, happy st paddy's day!!! <3


	7. |seven

When everything started, I told myself that we could make a novel with our story. Maybe even a trilogy, who knows?

 

Only that soon too fast, I was lacking ink and I was merely able to produce two paragraphs and a half.

 

No matter how hard I try, there's no point in writing something with an empty pen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> monday tomorrow... yuck


	8. |eight

You've planted sunflower seeds in my heart

 

And have grown a bee nest in my head.

 

Except that the flowers quickly migrated in my lungs and have prevented me from breathing,

 

And the bees in my stomach gave me nausea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna get my wisdom teeth removed just before easter, g r e a t


	9. |nine

You're so fucking _hot_  that I get a sunburn every time I look at you.

 

_(that's maybe why I'm so pained)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the short chapter but guys HOLY SHIT  
> I WAS ACCEPTED AT MY COLLEGE


	10. |ten

I should have quit him

 

When I stopped sleeping with a smile on the lips thinking of him for instead having sleepless nights with tears in my eyes.

 

I should have left him

 

When I was telling myself that this time would be the last he'd hurt me because he loved me enough to not restart, right?

 

I should have taken off

 

When my _I love you_ weren't followed by a _me too_ but rather a weak smile and a look a tad too hollow.

 

I should have stopped this instead of waiting until it would be too late and to have my heart shattered by blows of a sledgehammer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what kinda music do you guys like? i like way too many subgenres


	11. |eleven

You could hit me with your worst punch,

 

Break my heart into a thousand pieces (but well, it's already done),

 

Shout to me all the insults in the world,

 

You would just have to come back in my life and I'd forgive you.

 

I would bring my first aid kit and I'd fix your wounds instead of caring about mines.

 

That's what scares me the most, I think.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wuss poppin b, your boi is back


	12. |twelve

I say to myself that maybe if I was pretending not to love you anymore, it would end up happening.


	13. |thirteen

It's stupid, but I still leave the door of my heart ajar.

 

_Just in case_

 

Just in case that you come back running, repeating excuses that I should have received way before.

 

But I'm fed up waiting for you.

 

And I tell myself that maybe I would be better if I threw the key away and changed the lock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys know hannibal? i'm just at episode 4 but already so obsessed hELP


	14. |fourteen

You know, he also had hidden words behind his lips.

 

They were as fluorescent as the red neons at night.

 

Sometimes, they wanted to leave but he always repressed them with his tongue and pressed his lips together real tight,

 

Because these words were too much for him. _I love you'_ s that he didn't accept. _I wanna be with you'_ s that he didn't assume.

 

I can be patient all I want, I'm tired of waiting for the day when he'd be capable of letting these words out of his mouth. I'm weary of anticipating these words that never came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow so i might not update for a couple of days. gonna pray to the gods that the pain won't be too much (๑•﹏•)⋆* ⁑⋆


	15. |fifteen

I'm fine, really.

It's probably simply the fresh breeze of the summer that intoxicates my mind,

The feeling of revival that embalms the air from the start of May,

And that gives me hope that my heart will one day forget,

But anyway. I'm fine, I'm doing better.

**And I've never felt so alive.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i'm also doing better!! i went from a squirrel to uh, slightly chubby cheeks i guess?? it's a bit swollen but much less severe than from before. it doesn't really hurt anymore so that's great :) also i might have binge watched hannibal and i just finished season 2... please adopt me murder husbands


	16. |infinity

I told myself that I should start loving me

 

Instead of waiting for someone else to do it in my place,

 

That I should stop seeing myself like a puzzle with missing pieces

 

And waiting for someone else to complete me.

 

Maybe I would feel less alone if I saw myself as a human in my own right

 

And if I stopped searching for love elsewhere and started finding it in myself.

 

**_F_ _I N_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it. the last chapter is finally out! thank you so much to my dear friend @MickletheKoala for the constant support on every chapter. thank you so much to everyone who's left kudos or simply found it interesting enough as to click on the title. i'm not sure when or even if i'll post a new story but if i do, i'll let you guys know :) may the gods bless you ♡


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